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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I hit up the High Street. Gotta grab my morning coffee, ya know? I’m standing there, waiting for my flat white, and this bloke in front of me orders a “skinny, extra hot, half-caf, no foam” latte. Like, mate, chill! It’s just coffee, not rocket science! I’m rolling my eyes so hard, I think I might’ve strained something.

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